That's All She Wrote
by AliceJoDowntheRabbitHole
Summary: Everyone knows that the walls of Litchfield have ears, and there's rarely a dull moment. A series of conversations overheard around the prison. Primarily Red & Nicky centric but will contain others as well.
1. Far From the Home I Love

A/N: Hiya everybody! This is the start of a new series we're going to do. It's just going to be snippets of conversation that we don't have homes for. They'll be short and snappy, and mostly likely in script(ish) form. You may see them again in longer form if/when we find homes for them but until then... Hopefully, you'll enjoy them as much as we do coming up with them. Let us know what you think!

~A.J.

XOXOXO

 _Yenta- (slang_ ) a woman who is a gossip or busybody.  
 _Supercentenarian_ \- someone who has lived at least 110 years  
 _Anatevka_ \- the town in which Fiddler on the Roof takes place  
 _Babushka_ \- an old woman or grandmother.

XOXOXO

Red: Ha! You girls don't know hard work. When I was a girl, back in Russia, we started learning how to run a home right from the start. Cleaning, mending our own clothes, cooking, gardening… We did everything.

Lorna: Oh my gosh, just like _Fiddler on Top of the House_.

Nicky: _Fiddler on the Roof._

Lorna: *ignores Nicky* Did you have a Yenta too, Red? And a drunk beggar and a Rabbi?

Nicky: *rolls eyes* She _was_ the Yenta.

Lorna: Was your father the milkman?

Nicky: Her sons' father was the milkman. *elbows Red teasingly*

Lorna: Did you arrange the marriages? Oh my gosh-when they all had to leave their homes-is that why you had to leave Russia? Did you live near Annie-tech-a?

Red: Yes. Picture it, the turn of the century… my family, practicing Jews, were driven from our home with nothing but the clothes on our backs and our arranged marriages. *glares*

Nicky: Aw come on, she's moved past West Side Story. Let's take what we can get Babushka.

Red: Are you calling me old?

Nicky: *wraps an arm around Red's shoulders* Think of it as a badge of honor. You're the only supercentenarian I've ever met.


	2. Happiest Place on Earth

A/N: Just a shortie! Nicky takes Red to Disneyworld for her birthday. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

~A.J.

XOXOXO

Nicky: Ma, you don't look like you're having any fun. Come on, it's your birthday!

Red: Crowds, lines, rude people, crying children...

Nicky: You liked It's a Small World.

Red: That's because no one was on it and it had air condition.

Nicky: It also had that song…

Red: I'm used to annoying noise-you make enough.

Nicky: It's your birthday so I'm choosing to ignore that. Hey the Tea Cups. What about those?

Red: *memories of Coney Island* _The mamochka drunk rides_. I think I'll pass.

Nicky: Fine. What do you want to do?

Red: Gets jostled by rambunctious teens. *growls* You really want to know?

Nicky: Ignore them. It's the happiest place on earth!

Red: Litchfield was happier.

Nicky: Okay, so next year we'll rob a bank, and i'll talk you to prison for your birthday. *rolls eyes*

Red: *realizes Nicky's getting kind of bummed out* You never did anything like this as a child did you?

Nicky: *shrugs* Marka was busy, tacky tourist vacations weren't her style. We traveled Europe so she could network.

Red: You pick the next ride, honey.

Nicky: *looks around them and eyes light up* Peter Pan?

Red: *grabs Nicky's hand* Here we go-off to Neverland!


	3. Lorna's Mental Healthy

A/N: Unlike the first two chapters of this series, this piece is a more serious conversation. It's been floating around in drive for some time now because we were hoping to flesh it out into a story, but for now here's the conversation. (Still might flesh this out later). We truly hope this comes across as genuine compassion for Lorna and not something hating on her. Hope you enjoy!

XOXOXO

 _At the end of 4, just after Red sent Nicky/Lorna together to check out Lover's Lane._

Red: Did you two…?

Nicky: Did we what? *sighs*

Red: You know… make up?

Nicky: We talked.

Red: And…?

Nicky: And what? I know what you were trying to do, and I appreciate it. Truly. It's just…

Red: *sits down and pulls Nicky down with her* Talk to me. Are you okay?

Nicky: I'm fine Ma.

Red: You don't sound fine. You sound the exact opposite of fine.

Nicky: It's Lorna, ya know.

Red: Did she say something to you? *starts to get up*

Nicky: *grabs Red's arm* Settle down Rocky. It's just that now everything's different.

Red: Because she's married?

Nicky: *chuckles* No, not that.

Red: Then I'm not understanding.

Nicky: That's because I haven't told you anything yet. *smirks*

Red: No shit. Get on with it.

Nicky: When Lorna was all hung up on Christopher it was... different ya know? She was in love with this guy that we didn't know anything about—hell, for all we knew she coulda been telling the truth. I don't even know—maybe she was just in love with being in love.

Red: She's a romantic.

Nicky: Christopher *sighs* he was real.

Red: I thought you said he didn't exist.

Nicky: Well, I was wrong. He existed, just not the way I thought. They met and they went on a date once—that was it.

Red: So all that time?

Nicky: A deluded fantasy to keep herself going? That's what I thought too at first. Do you remember when Miss Rosa died? When Lorna let her take the van?

Red: *smiles fondly* I remember.

Nicky: Just before that, one day when they were at the hospital, Lorna left.

Red: *eyes widened* What do you mean she left?

Nicky: Just what I said—she dropped Fischer and Miss Rosa off, and then she went to Christopher's and his fiance's house. She could have gotten into so much trouble Ma. I dunno what the hell she was thinking. *shakes head*

Red: I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?

Nicky: *shrugs* It was done, and she hadn't gotten caught. What good would worryin' do you?

Red: Nicky…

Nicky: *leans head against Red's shoulder* She needs help, Ma.

Red: She made a mistake.

Nicky: Before Litchfield… she tried to kill a woman. It was Christopher's fiance, something about a bomb under her car.

Red: ...I don't know what to say.

Nicky: Me either, but we gotta do something. She doesn't need to be in this place—well, I mean there is the mail fraud *chuckles* but she needs help.

Red: Not psych.

Nicky: Definitely not—she wouldn't make it in there, and they wouldn't help anyway.

Red: Is this the real reason you're keeping things platonic?

Nicky: She doesn't need a distraction, or a fling, or another make believe daydream. She needs help. She needs a friend… she needs family. *starts crying*

Red: *pulls Nicky into her arms and kisses her temple rocking her* Okay honey. We'll figure something out. I'm so sorry.

Nicky: It hurts so much.

Red: Love always does… that's the part they don't tell you about. You're doing the right thing though. We'll figure something out honey.

Nicky: *nods and buries face against Red's shoulder*


	4. Smells Like Home

**Disclaimer:** We do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen. We do however own our writing, please don't steal—(Johanna-002©/AliceSloane13©)

* * *

 **Winter**

 _Red enters her cube to find Nicky in her bed trying to nap. She's burrowed under Red's blankets and wearing Red's hoodie._

Red: *sits down next to Nicky and chuckles* Cold?

Nicky: *glares at Red, but doesn't answer*

Red: Aw *teases* what's the matter?

Nicky: You washed your sheets.

Red: *raises eyebrows* Yes.

Nicky: ...and your pillowcases.

Red: *waits for Nicky to get to the point*

Nicky: How am I supposed to feel warmer when nothing smells like you?!

Red: Nicky, honey, I don't think that's how it works.

Nicky: Stop talking to me and lay down with me.

Red: *looks at her and just blinks*

Nicky: *whines* _You_ smell like you.

Red: *shakes head in confusion* Nicky, my blanket, my little pillow, _and_ my hoodie that I've been looking for all smell like me

Nicky: I said stop talking. *pats spot next to her*

Red: You're ridiculous. *gets into bed and pulls Nicky against her* Better?

Nicky: *wiggles up to tuck her face against Red's neck and inhales deeply* Did you just take a shower….? You don't smell like you.

Red: *sighs and pulls Nicky closer*

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	5. Xena: Warrior of Spaghetti

**Disclaimer:** We do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen. We do however own our writing, please don't steal—(Johanna-002©/AliceSloane13©)

 **A/N:** _Okay, so, I'm totally showing my age (A) and Jo is just going with it and trusting my judgement and of course giving me all the fun lines. Let's just all collectively tell her that that is never a good idea. There's some underlying references in here from a few things you might know._

* * *

Boo: *waving what looks like a meatball on her fork* Nichols, you gotta do something about this.

Nicky: Me? No, way. Not happening.

Piper: She'll listen to you.

Alex: And by listen she means she isn't as likely to kill you as anyone else.

Nicky: *wide-eyed* You think she wouldn't kill me? Why, because I call her mom? That's exactly why she's more likely to kill me!

Sister: *tuts* You know that isn't true.

Nicky: Yeah, but they don't-eat your spaghetti and talk to God. Maybe instead of encouraging them you should be praying for a miracle instead.

Lorna: You know, they're right. I'm even getting sick of spaghetti, and that's not supposed to happen to Italians.

Nicky: *rolls eyes* I hate all of you.

Alex: So you're going to do it?  
Nicky: If it means shutting you all up… Just remember this moment at my funeral.

Piper: It won't be that bad.  
Nicky: *glares and stares at the kitchen nodding to herself*

Piper: Are you humming?

Nicky: What? It's my theme song. I'm trying to build up my confidence here.

Alex: Your theme song is the theme music to Xena?

Nicky: Hey! Do not judge me! Do you want to go tell Red to stop making spaghetti three times a week?

Alex: Point made Warrior Princess.

Sister: You're alive I see.

Nicky: Oh yeah, thanks for the prayers I'm sure.

Boo: Well, how did it go?

Nicky: *rubs back of her neck* Well, let's put it this way-no one has to worry about spaghetti anymore.

Piper: Oh thank God!

Sister: *rolls her eyes*

Alex: But…?

Nicky: She hopes you all enjoy beans and rice because we'll be having quite a lot of that from now on.

Lorna: Beans and rice?

Nicky: *nods* Gloria's specialty. Red said if you're all too good for spaghetti then you don't have to worry any longer.

Boo: You've got to be joking. That shit gives me heartburn every time.

Nicky: I'd be grateful for the beans and rice if I were you. Next on the list is Norma's tuna casserole.

[everyone turns to stare at Norma]

Norma: *shrugs apologetically and winces*

Piper: Maybe I could offer to mak-

Nicky: *growls* No one wants to eat your _PoPi_ soap Piper. You really wanna go in there and offer your services? Didn't you learn anything your first week here?

Piper: It's not the same thing at all! It's not lik-

Alex: She's more of a juicer than a cooker anyway.

Red: *walks slowly up to the group* So, who is it that doesn't like my spaghetti?

Piper: Uh, guys?

Alex: Oh, let me. *smirks* You see, it's like this. Piper, here, just feels like maybe a little variety would better showcase your skills to all the new inmates.

Red: Oh really? She does huh? Well, I have _many_ skills-including the ability to make people go missing without a trace and cooking up a batch of special soup all in the same afternoon.

Nicky: *chuckling* Best damn soup in the state of New York.

Boo: Red, these meatballs are amazing! All beef?

Alex: Hey Boo, where's your friend? Haven't seen Pennsatucky all day. *tries not to laugh*

Sister: *shakes head* You're all going to hell.

Nicky: Really? Jesus tell you that?

Lorna: I don't think that's something a nun should be saying.

Sister: Just stating the facts.

Nicky: From your lips to God's ears. Who wants heaven when you've already had such a wonderful taste of hell?

Piper: This is unbelievable. Everyone's gonna get in on this?

Boo: Well, I mean Pennsatucky had some complaints too.

Piper: Thank you! Where is she by the way?

[awkward silence]

Red: Special soup. *nods* Enjoy the meatballs girls, plenty of fresh meat to go around. *shoves hands in her pockets and walks away*

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	6. Little Boxes

**Disclaimer:** We do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen. We do however own our writing, please don't steal—(Johanna-002©/AliceSloane13©)

 **A/N:** _(A) This may or may not have been inspired by my own mass amounts of books. I've always seen Nicky as being someone who didn't care about possessions based on her upbringing, but maybe there are some things that you just can't let go of._

* * *

 **1 Week Before Nicky's Release**

Red: Hi sweetheart.

Nicky: Hey Ma, how goes it?

Red: Pretty good. Vasily took me to lunch today. We had a nice time.

Nicky: Already trying to elbow his way back in? You told him he's not your favorite anymore right?  
Red: *laughs* How are you?

Nicky: Same shit, different day. I got a favor to ask though.

Red: Am I going to like this?  
Nicky: It's nothing _bad_. I just… since I'm getting out next week. Is it okay if I have Marka send over some of my things? Just like books and clothes and stuff. I really don't wanna see her right away and if we do it this way….

Red: Of course you can. It's your home too.

Nicky: *quiet* Yeah?

Red: Yeah.

Nicky: Shit! I gotta go. Talk to you tomorrow.

* * *

 **2 Days Later**

Red: *growls* Nicky

Nicky: Heeeeey

Red: When you said _some_ things…

Nicky: Oh hey! My stuff showed up? Damn, that was fast. Guess she can't wait to get rid of me.

Red: Or she wanted her house back. When you said some books and clothes…

Nicky: Yeah?

Red: Nicky! This is not just _some_ books and clothes.

Nicky: Well, okay, so maybe I have a little more than most people.

Red: I have two rooms full of your things. She sent 3 moving men.

Nicky: I love you?

Red: Nicky...

Nicky: You love me?

Red: Who needs this much junk?

Nicky: It's not junk! Besides it's not all books and clothes. There's probably some music and journals in there too.

Red: There's 53 boxes...

Nicky: Yeah, but are they big boxes?

Red: Very.

Nicky: You counted them?

Red: No. Your mother sent an inventory

Nicky: You're not joking are you.

Red: Do I sound like I'm joking?

Nicky: You sound like a beautiful, wonderful woman who I appreciate very much.

Red: I'm still not unpacking them for you.

* * *

 **1 Week Later**

Red: Have you read all these?

Nicky: Not all of them.

Red: Can't we get rid of them?

Nicky: *looks like Red just asked her to kill her children* Absolutely not.

Red: *sighs*

Nicky: Look, books were like my only friends growing up. It's a sentimental thing.

Red: *wraps arm around Nicky's shoulders and nods* Okay malyshka.

Nicky: As for those boxes *points to 17 of them* they can go.

Red: *looks at the list* Your clothes?

Nicky: No, Marka's clothes. Anything I actually liked I'm sure is long gone. Pastels instead of plaids. Lace instead of leather. You get the picture.

Red: You don't want to check? Why the hell have I been climbing through this jungle gym of death all week if you weren't going to keep them?

Nicky: *shrugs* Beats me. Let's find someplace to donate them and have 'em pick it all up. At least someone can use them. Not that career lady though. She's weird. Maybe a battered woman's shelter?

Red: That's very sweet. *starts looking through the boxes*

Nicky: I have my moments.

Red: I suppose you do. *holds up a scarf* What about this?

Nicky: *makes a face* God no. If you want it keep it go ahead, but uh, scarfs aren't really my thing. Unless of course they're covering someone's eyes or maybe attached to the headboard or-

Red: Okay, stop. I guess this means you want me to take you shopping? We'll get you some _you_ clothes?

Nicky: I mean… if we _have_ to.

Red: Once you give me back my living room we can go.

Nicky: The bookstore too?

Red: Don't push it kid.

* * *

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	7. MotherFucker!

**Disclaimer:** We do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen. We do however own our writing, please don't steal—(Johanna-002©/AliceSloane13©)

 **A/N:** (J) I wish we had an excuse for this… or at least a valid explanation, but unfortunately, there is none. Enjoy the result of one too many delusional nights. (A) Just an fyi the line about silk can be found on Natasha's twitter feed ;) She thinks she's smooth….

(J) She's more smoother than you are…

(A) But no one's as smooth as a highly entertained Nicky! (Except maybe her mother / Not a CL fic ftr)

(J) we have establish Natasha and Nicky are literally the same person…

(A) Well then you have to stop blaming me for bratty Nicky!

(J) Shh! The show is starting. No one cares what we think. If they did they'd message us outside of this… (;

(A) If you'll all turn off your phones-unless you're reading on them-and check your judgements at the door, here we go. There are no exits so in case of any emergencies, just push forward. You'll survive. Promise!

* * *

 **Breakfast**

Nicky: *enters* Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Gloria: *sarcastically* Oh good… she's up.

Red: Don't acknowledge her. She'll just keep talking. *rolls eyes*

Nicky: *comes up next to Red* Did you have Lucky Charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!

Red: If you want to eat this morning you will magically disappear.

Nicky: You know, for some reason I was feeling a little off this morning *acts bummed out* but then you came along and turned me on.

Gloria: If you don't get Casanova here out of this kitchen, I'm going on strike.

Red: Ohhhh, that I could. *shakes head with a sigh*

Nicky: Hey, are you Russian?

Red: *blinks*

Nicky: Cause you're rush-in my heart.

Red: *sits down on a bar stool and starts chopping up potatoes*

Nicky: You know, if _you_ were a potato you'd be a sweet potato.

Red: Nicky, I'm serious about not feeding you.

Nicky: Listen, if you would just stand up it would be a lot easier for me to sweep you off your feet!

* * *

 **Library**

Nicky: *comes around the corner with a smug look on her face* It's handy that I have my library card, because I'm totally checking you out.

Red: Go away. I'm looking for a book. Maybe you should do the same.

Nicky: You're the only book I want to read, because you are _fine_ print.

Red: *pulls a book off the shelf and looks at the back*

Nicky: Hey Ma? One more thing….

Red: What Nicky? *fake frustrated sobbing*

Nicky: Has anyone told you what's wrong with you today?

Red: *suspiciously* No…

Nicky: Good, because there is not a damn thing *attempts a seductive wink*

Taystee: There's plenty wrong with you Nichols. Get the hell out of my library.

Nicky: Hey…. that's not nice.

Red: *puts the book back and shoves hands in her jacket and walks further down the aisle*

Taystee: You picking out a book, or are you just here to harass my patrons?

Nicky: Well- *sees Red turn the corner* Wait! Mommy! *laughing* Aren't you forgetting something?

Red: *sighs* What?

Nicky: *pops head around the corner grinning* Me. Don't look at me like that I'm staring at your heart not your boobs!

Taystee: Hey Nichols *yells through the gap in the shelf* Romance books are two rows over, and Greek Mythology is three rows past that. If those don't help I've got some psychology books that I think you probably need.

* * *

 **Lunch**

Nicky: Hey Red, do you know what's on the menu tonight for dinner?

Red: We're having spaghe-

Nicky: Because I think it should be me-n-u

Red: *grumbles* Go away, Nicky.

Nicky: Geeze, no wonder the sky is so grey today.

Red: *cuts her eyes waiting for it*

Nicky: All the blue is in your eyes.

Gloria: *starts laughing at how cheesy Nicky is and how much she's enjoying Red having to deal with her*

Red: *turns her back on them in annoyance*

Nicky: *slides around to stand in front of Red* Do you have a map? Because I'm getting kind of lost in them.

Red: It would really be a shame if my knife slipped right now.

Norma: *puts a comforting hand on Red's shoulder, reminding her that she loves Nicky too much to kill her*

Red: I don't know Norma, it's starting to feel like a viable option. Maybe just a little dead?

Nicky: A little dead is mostly alive!

Red: *points knife at her*

Nicky: Speaking of knives… *carefully points knife away from herself* Do you have a band-aid? *pouty lip*

Red: *sighs* What did you do this time? *walks towards the first aid kit and opens it*

Nicky: I skinned my knee.

Red: How the hell did you manage that?

Nicky: Falling for you.

Red: *slams first aid kid shut* Out!

Nicky: I can't go!

Red: Why?

Nicky: *whines* Because I'm lost.

Red: *looking at the ceiling because she should have known better than to ask*

Nicky: Can you give me directions to your heart?

* * *

 **Common Room**

Nicky: Hey good lookin! Can I call you mine?

Red: *attempts to sound seductive* Your lips look lonely. *waits for Nicky to get amused knowing where this is going* Let me introduce them to mine.

Nicky: *eyebrows rise* Well, kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right? Eey? Yeah?

Red: No. *shakes head*

Nicky: But you just said…

Red: Go away, Nicky *starts to walk away*

Nicky: It's not my fault I fell in love. *yells after her* You're the one that tripped me.

Red: *ignores her*

Nicky: *runs to catch up and starts walking next to her*

Red: What do you want, Nicky?

Nicky: The way your smile just beams.

Red: …

Nicky: *slightly more dramatic* The way you sing off-key.

Red: Are you having a stroke?

Nicky: *along with the melody* The way you haunt my dreams.

Red: Nicky….

Nicky: *sings overly dramatic* No, no-they can't take that away from me.

Red: *turns and walks in the opposite direction*

Nicky: *catches up and stops in front of her / grabs Red's hand and holds it against her chest in her own hands* We may never, never meet again…

Red: I'm starting to think that might be a good thing.

Nicky: *singing / struggles with the low note* On that bumpy road to love

Red: You think I sing off-key? Ha!

Nicky: *glares, but still sings louder than before* Still I'll always, always keep the memory of

Red: Please don't.

Nicky: *back to normal volume* The way you hold your knife.

Red: Follow me to the kitchen and I'll show you exactly what I can do with my knife.

Nicky: *stops singing* Ya know, that's the second time today you've threatened to stab me.

Red: and yet… you're still here *pushes Nicky away and starts to leave*

Nicky: *switches songs and starts singing sounding depressed* Every time we say goodbye, I die a little.

Red: *calls over her shoulder* Your voice is terrible.

Nicky: Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little. Why the gods above me, who must be in the know, think so little of me they allow you to go.

Luschek: *walking by* Shut up or I'll give you a shot.

Nicky: For what?

Luschek: Having a terrible voice. It's bad enough when you're talking let alone serenading the inmates.

Nicky: I'm trying to seduce my mother!

Luschek: Yeah, well, do it somewhere that I can't hear you.

* * *

 **Dinner**

Nicky: *entering the kitchen* Okay, I'm here. What are you other two wishes?

Red: *rolls eyes*

Nicky: What? You don't believe in love at first sight? Should I walk by again?

Red: *sighs*

Nicky: What's wrong, Ma? You tired?

Red: A lit-

Nicky: 'cause you've been running through my mind all day.

Red: Nicky, give me a break.

Nicky: Alright. Alright. *rubs a hand up and down her back sympathetically* Dinner was really good.

Red: Thanks honey.

Nicky: Do you taste that delicious or is it just the things you make?

Red: *glares*

Nicky: What? You didn't give us dessert, *leans against Red's shoulder* and I'm craving something sweet.

* * *

 **Before Bed**

 _[Nicky/Red laying in bed talking about their days]_

Nicky: Can I borrow a kiss? I'll give it back!

Red: Let's make like fabric softener and snuggle *winks*

Nicky: Hey, not too shabby. *lays head down and curls up in Red's arms*

Red: *plays with Nicky's hair and begins to relax*

Nicky: Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

Red: *kisses Nicky's forehead*

Nicky: But my lips taste like skittles! Dontcha wanna taste the rainbow?

Red: I'm going to send you to bed if you don't knock it off.

Nicky: I'd rather stay in yours. *waits* I mean, I'm not Fred Flinstone, but I can make your bed rock.

Red: That's it… off to bed before I ground you.

Nicky: Or you could spank me instead?  
Red: Now!

Nicky: *huffs* fine *walking out and then stops and turns around* Do you wanna boldly go where no man has gone before? *eyebrows raised and smirking*

Red: *looks like she's seriously considering it* Well, I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you.

Nicky: *turns beat red and starts to stutter*

Red: Now that that's settled. In here or should we move into yours? It doesn't matter to me. I'll die a happy woman just seeing you naked in my arms.

Nicky: Ma!

Red: I don't think it's appropriate to call me 'Ma' anymore. People might get the wrong idea now that we're dating.

Nicky: Mom! *stomps foot*

Red: Well, I mean if you don't care than I don't either. I just wasn't sure if you'd be okay with the rumors they might start about us.

Nicky: Knock it off Red.

Red: I'd rather get off with you.

Nicky: *shakes head in disbelief and just leaves looking like she's in shock*

Red: You're so selfish Nicky! You're going to have that body for the rest of your life. I just want it for one night!

* * *

 **Bathroom**

Nicky: *storms in glaring and starts washing face and neck with cold water*

Alex: What's wrong with you?

Nicky: I… I think I'm in a relationship…

Alex: You don't look happy.

Nicky: With my mother… with Red.

Alex: I am _so_ sorry I asked. *laughs*

Nicky: It's not funny!

Alex: Hey *holds up hands* I'm impressed. Not many women can pull that off.

Nicky: Shut it Vause.

Alex: It just goes to show how talented you are in the art of seduction. You're a smooth one Nichols.

Nicky: I'm silk, baby. I just think I'm in over my head.

Alex: Give it time, I'm sure you'll be beneath Red soon enough. No way in hell you're topping that relationship.

Nicky: Alex!

Alex: Hey, you did this to yourself.

Nicky: Help me *whines* please.

Alex: I'll think about it. *winks* In the meantime, better sleep with one eye open in case your girlfriend wants a midnight snack.

* * *

 **Early Morning**

Nicky: *wakes up and Red is sitting on her bed watching her* What the hell are you doing in here? It's too early.

Red: I came to say good morning.

Nicky: Why?

Red: You know when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams?

Nicky: No, I don't because someone won't let me enjoy my dreams. Let me sleep.

Red: I think you're cute in the morning. I wanted to see you.

Nicky: Well you saw me. Now go away.

Red: Nicky, there must be something wrong with my eyes. I can't seem to take them off of you.

Nicky: That's not an excuse to creep on me while I'm sleeping.

Red: Since we're a couple now I didn't think you'd mind.

Nicky: Couples don't stare at each other while they sleep like perve- Wait… couples? What are you…? We are _not_ a couple!

Red: But last night…

Nicky: Forget what I said last night. I was joking, and you know it. We are not a couple.

Red: But we could be.

Nicky: Ew, don't be a lunatic.

Red: Aw, Nicky date me *pouts*

Nicky: Absolutely not.

Red: Fake date me then?

Nicky: I'm going back to sleep, and when I wake up you will be gone.

Red: But Nicky, it will be fun. Let's just go with it and see what happens.

Nicky: *rolls onto her side and tries to pull her blanket up higher*

Red: Aw, you look cold honey.

Nicky: *nods with a childish pout*

Red: Wanna use me as a blanket?

Nicky: *bites lip and nods* This doesn't mean anything.

Red: Like the sheets on your bed I want to cover you with love.

Nicky: I really hate you right now.

Red: Whatever you say honey. *lays down and pulls Nicky into her arms* Are you the moon?

Nicky: *sighs heavily* So this is what karma feels like.

Red: Because even when it's dark you seem to shine. *sighs happily* I cannot wait until tomorrow.

Nicky: I can't wait until you go back to sleep.

Red: You just get more and more beautiful every day.

Nicky: Knock it off!

Red: *half singing* The night is young. The moon is bright, and you are here with me tonight.

Nicky: Singing is not your talent.

Red: My talent is in the bedroom. *talks lower* I have many skills.

Nicky: *eyes widen*Are you drunk?

Red: I'm not drunk… I'm just intoxicated by you.

* * *

 **Breakfast**

Nicky: *stands at the end of the table, but the only empty seat is next to Red / hesitates*

Red: Hey baby.

Nicky: *nods*

Red: You know, as long as I have a face you have a place to sit. *taps seat next to her*

Nicky: *rolls eyes and grumbles, but sits down*

Red: Does anyone know what the word of the day is?

Lorna: Pretzels?

Nicky: Pretzels? Really?

Red: The word of the day is legs! *leans over to Nicky and talks quietly* Get ready because today I'm going to spread the word.

Piper: *chokes on drink*

Lorna: What is so wrong about pretzels?

Nicky: *stares at Red and shakes her head* Just… why pretzels?

Lorna: Well, Vinnie and I were talking about appetizers for our wedding. Oh! Did I tell you he wants to have a real wedding when we get outta here? Anyway we were thinking about serving mini pretzels. Personally, I think it's a bit tacky, but they're his favorite and marriage _is_ all about compromise.

Red: You know, you and I would look cute on top of a wedding cake.

Lorna: Besides, pretzels was dumb, but legs isn't?

Nicky: Oh no. Don't get me wrong, legs is a terrible word of the day too. I'm gonna go with psycho.

Red: Speaking of legs. I'd love to eat my way to your heart.

Nicky: Okay, that's more than enough.

Red: You know if it's true that you are what you eat I could be you by morning. I was going to ask if you're as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside, but I suppose I can find out tonight.

Nicky: Please excuse my mother. She's lost her mind. Might have been a stroke? Not sure yet.

Alex: Oh, I don't know about that. I think she's just under your spell Nichols.

Nicky: Well she needs to snap out of it or I'm gonna jump off the damn roof.

Red: You can fall off a building. You can fall out of a tree, but baby, the best way to fall is in love with me.

Nicky: *drops head to table and fake sobs* Why do you hate me?

Red: Aw, honey. I don't hate you. I love you. I love you so much that whenever I see you I get a boner. Not like a penis boner, but a boner in my heart. A heart boner. A heart-on. An affection erection!

Nicky: *looks to Alex* Please kill me.

Lorna: Aw, that's so sweet.

Nicky: Do not encourage her!

Piper: Maybe we should head to electrical early?

Red: Oh? You're going to work? What time do you get off?

Nicky: *rolls eyes* The same time as every other day, *cuts Red off before she can finish* and NO you can't watch.

Red: *makes a brief sad face* Okay ladies. I have to go help with cleanup. Nicky, I hope your day is as beautiful as you are. *kisses top of Nicky's head even though she's trying to wriggle away*

Nicky: Goodbye *there's no chicken eyeroll* I hope your day isn't as crazy as you are!

Piper: *to Alex* Wow, you weren't kidding were you?

Alex: *smirks* Nope not even a little. Nicky has a new fuck buddy.

Nicky: Do NOT call her that. Man, what the fuck am I gonna do?

Alex: Roll with it?

Nicky: Why does she do these things to me?

Piper: Sexual things? She leave you a hickey?

Nicky: You know what? Fuck you Chapman.

Piper: As tempting as that is, I don't think there's a bed big enough for the four of us.

Alex: Orgies and incest? Kinky!

Piper: Oh you have no idea *winks*

Nicky: Enough! Geeze is there a virus going around or something.

Red: Nicky! *comes back excitedly*

Nicky: *raises eyebrow*

Red: You know how Frieda has that octopus tattoo?

Nicky: Yes….

Red: Well, if I was an octopus, all three of my hearts would beat for you.

Nicky: I'm leaving now. You coming Chapman?

Piper: Not yet, but I'm sure if we invited Alex along.

Nicky: *glares at Piper and laughing Alex*

* * *

 **The Breakup**

Nicky: Well, I guess there's only one thing to do.

Alex: Sleep with her?

Nicky: What?!

Alex: Well, it's probably been a while sin-

Nicky: Stop! No! *shivers* Fuck you Vause.

Alex: *smirks and watches Nicky try and hype herself up* Hey warrior babe you look like you're prepping for a marathon.

Nicky: *glares*

Alex: I don't think it'll be that hard to push her over the edge, ya know? You could probably barely even try and I'm sure she-

Nicky: We are no longer friends. *starts to walk away, humming under her breath*

Alex: *follows along gleefully*

Nicky: Where are you going?

Alex: You're as crazy as Piper if you think I'm gonna miss this.

Nicky: Whatever, just keep your mouth shut.

 _[enter kitchen]_

Nicky: Red we need to talk.

Red: *leaning on the counter reading cook book copying something down / doesn't look up* About?

Nicky: Us. *makes a gross face*

Red: *finishes writing and looks up* There! I've just added you to the top of my 'to do' list.

Nicky: Listen…

Red: *to Alex* You know who I feel like?

Alex: Do tell.

Nicky: Red…

Red: Richard Gere. Here I am *sighs* standing next to Pretty Woman *gestures at Nicky*.

Nicky: Red!

Red: What is it moon of my delight?

Nicky: Well, Red… Ma! Because, ya know, you're still my mom. But ya know, this whole… "us" thing-

Red: Are you breaking up with me?!

Nicky: What?!

Alex: Yes.

Nicky: Alex!

Red: Why?

Nicky: Well bec-

Alex: Because you're Russian.

Red: Because I'm Russian? But I thought I was Russian your heart?

Alex: Really Nichols?

Nicky: Yes. I mean no! It's not that. It's not anything- there's nothing to bre-

Alex: It's because you're old.

Nicky: Alex!

Alex: You're an old Russian. *laughing*

Red: *pretends to be upset and tearfully walks away* I can't do this right now. *goes to office and shuts the gate behind her*

Nicky: Well that went fantastic. Thank you so much for your help.

Alex: If it's any consolation I bet the makeup sex will be _amazing_.

 _[some time later]_

Gloria: What the hell are you doing in here? We've got work to do.

Red: Is she gone?

Gloria: Who?

Red: Nicky!

Gloria: Yeah she's gone. She stormed out of here about twenty minutes ago. What's with you? I know that look, you're stirring up trouble aren't you?

Red: No. Nicky is trying to break up with me.

Gloria: *blinks*

* * *

 **Lunch**

 _[Piper, Alex, and Nicky eating lunch]_

Alex: Hey, hey looks like company.

Nicky: *looks over her shoulder* Ugh

Alex: Well, she doesn't look as upset as earlier.

Piper: What happened earlier?

Alex: Nicky tried unsuccessfully to break up with her.

Nicky: Oh yeah and you were so much help.

Piper: She looks happy. Maybe she's in denial.

Red: *sits down next to Nicky* Excuse me. I just noticed you noticing me, and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you to.

Nicky: Settle down Dr. Seuss be quiet and eat your lunch.

Red: Oh? Nicky I never knew you liked poetry.

Nicky: Here we go…

Red: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Guess what? My bed has room for two.

Nicky: No it most definitely doesn't.

Piper: *talking between bites* Actually, if one of you lays on top of the other….

Nicky: *kicks her under the table*

Piper: I'm just saying… Alex and I make it work.

Nicky: Do you remember who you share a cube with? Hypothetically speaking there is no way I would be doing anything in a cube with Norma.

Red: Wanna make that hypothetical a reality?

Nicky: No.

Red: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a car.

Nicky: *rolls eyes* Your boys teach you that one?

Red: No. Your boy did.

Nicky: *scrunches up nose* Luschek is not my boy. Why are you going to him for pick-up lines anyway?

Red: *shrugs* He seemed like an interesting choice.

Piper: Luschek! *laughs* That's great. You think that's why he was so pissy with you today?

Nicky: I wouldn't doubt it.

Red: Oh? Were you a bad girl? Do you need to go to my cube and we can find a suitable punishment.

Nicky: Cool your kinky jets. We are not doing anything in your cube.

Red: Why not? I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Nicky: You have the mad part right. *feels Red's hand cup her boob and just looks down in disbelief and then up to Red* Excuse you.

Red: I was just checking your chest for treasure. Do you think it's buried? I wouldn't mind digging around .

Nicky: *grabs Red's hand and pulls it away*

Red: Oh honey, your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you. *clasps her hand and entwines their fingers* Guess what I'm wearing?

Nicky: No.

Alex: Aw, don't be mean. What are you wearing Red?

Red: The smile Nicky gave me. *wistfully* She's so beautiful she gives the sun a reason to shine. *leans closer to Nicky* If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

Nicky: *pulls hand back* Knock it off. Hey Piper you're queen of rules. Can you get a restraining order in prison?

Red: Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?

Nicky: *to Alex* Please make her go away.

Red: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, I can make you scream

Nicky: Yes, yes you can, but not the way you're talking about.

Red: Aw, I've upset you, haven't I?

Nicky: Yes!

Red: Would a kiss make it better? What about an Australian kiss?

Piper: *to Alex* What's an Australian kiss?

Alex: It's like a French kiss o-

Red: only it's down under *wiggles eyebrows*

Nicky: *gets up and leaves*

* * *

 **After Lunch**

Nicky: *has been finding treats from Red all over all day / brings armful of gifts she's found and drops them on the counter* Red!

Red: Oh honey! How is your fever. *walks over and checks Nicky's forehead*

Nicky: What? *bats hand away* if anyone is suffering from a fever…

Red: Oh… you must just look hot.

Nicky: *growls and steps away pointing at gifts* I don't want your presents.

Red: Well one of us has to try and keep the romance alive.

Nicky: There is no romance!

Red: I know… I feel like I'm losing you already. Is it the sex? Is that why you keep trying to end things? It's okay if you can't keep up. We'll work on it.

Nicky: *muffled scream / turns on her heels and leaves*

Gloria: Why do you torture that girl?

Red: I needed a hobby.

* * *

 **Dinner**

Boo: What the fuck is wrong with dinner?

Alex: Nicky broke Red's heart.

Boo: *surprised and interested* Please explain.

Alex: Nicky keeps trying to break up with her, but Red is in denial. She's probably too distracted trying to figure out a way to win her back to care about dinner.

Boo: Yeah? Okay, so, Nichols. Apparently you're a bigger freak in the bedroom than I already knew, but uh, can you go sleep with her so that breakfast tomorrow isn't as terrible as this dinner?

Piper: It is pretty bad.

Nicky: Shut up Chapman!

Piper: All I did was say dinner sucked. Boo is the one telling you to go all Oedipus-lez.

Red: *walks up to the table looking serious* Nicky, can we talk?

Nicky: *squints at her, but nods* Alright.

Red: *reaches hand for Nicky's* Let's go for a walk.

Nicky: *grabs Red's hand with a sigh and they walk away* This isn't going to get weird is it? You're not going to shove me in a broom closet and assault me are you?

Red: *half smiles* Just… come with me.

Nicky: *thinks it's something serious and let's Red lead her outside*

Red: I wanted to do this privately.

Nicky: You're not gonna kiss me right? Do I need a chaperone when I'm with you from now on?

Red: *puts hands on Nicky's shoulders and squeezes* I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but I think we should see other people.

Nicky: Excuse me? *blinking*

Red: *cups face* It's okay if you're upset honey. I understand.

Nicky: You're breaking up with me?

Red: *drops hands in surprise* I thought that's what you wanted?

Nicky: What? No… Wait. I mean yes, I do, but I don't want you to do it. I'm the one that does the breaking up.

Red: If that makes you feel better you can blame me and tell them that I'm the reason our relationship failed.

Nicky: Hey, I do not fail at relationships! If there were problems they were not on my end.

Red: *sighs* We just don't have chemistry.

Nicky: Chemistry? What the fuck did you do-read Morello's Cosmo?! We have great chemistry!

* * *

 **Breakfast**

Nicky: Motherfuckers!

Alex: Actually, you're the only one here fucking their mother.

Nicky: I hate you so much right now.

Piper: I thought this was all just some big misunderstanding?

Alex: It was until Nicky got her pride wounded and Red dumped her.

Nicky: Hey! I did not get dumped. It was just a…It can be sorted out. Now quit gossiping and help me plan how to win back my mother.

Alex: Oh no, remember you're silk. I don't think you need our help.

Piper: *laughing* If she's silk than red must be wool. Why are you doing this again?

Nicky: Nobody breaks up with me. Okay? I have a reputation to keep.

Alex: *looks at Piper* Who knew sleeping with your mom was less damaging than being dumped.

Piper: You're so jaded. True love trumps all, don't you remember? There's nothing quite like young love.

Alex: Young?

Piper: Well, okay, maybe not completely young. May December?

Nicky: Guys! Focus.

* * *

 **Electrical**

Luschek: Nichols! Your mother is here. *points to the back*

Nicky: *shares a look with Piper, before walking over to Red* Hey, you. How did you do that?

Red: What?

Nicky: Look so good *winks*

Red: Nicky….

Nicky: Pinch me.

Red: Why?

Nicky: You're just so beautiful I must be dreaming.

Red: *squeezes Nicky's arm* I know it's hard, but you have to move on. Here *hands Nicky a brown paper bag* I made you lunch.

Nicky: Why?

Red: I wanted you to know that we'll get through this and be okay. I want to stay friends.

Nicky: *looks down at the bag and see's "Made with love" written in sharpie on the bag* We are more than friends. This thing between us isn't over.

Red: Oh Nicky *sad face* it will get easier. I have to go now. Enjoy your lunch. *leaves*

Nicky: *calls after her* I love you like a pig loves not being bacon!

Nicky: *turns around and finds Luschek leaning against the wall behind her grinning*

Luschek: Trouble in paradise?

Nicky: Here *shoves bag against his chest* Shut your damn mouth and have a sandwich.

Luschek: What is it?

Nicky: Apparently all my mother's love.

Luschek: Sounds dirty.

Nicky: *sobs*

Luschek: I'll let you know how she tastes. Doesn't sound like you'll be getting to find out anytime soon.

* * *

 **Bedtime**

Nicky: I'm here, and I have a plan. *plops down on Red's bed waiting. Grabs a photo from off of Red's desk and looks at it.* She's married to him? Seriously? He looks like he's from outer space or something. I am _so_ much hotter than this creep.

Piper: Maybe I should find somewhere else to sleep. Not everyone feels the same way about an audience as you do, Nicky.

Nicky: Oh shut it Chapman. *strips down to her sweats and bra and gets under the covers of Red's bed*

Alex: *walks in and sits down next to Piper with a bag of popcorn* nice fuck me eyes you got going on with the 'shadow.

Nicky: Yeah? Morello did 'em.

Piper: Can we leave? She's doing the weird things again.

Alex: No, we're not leaving.

Piper: But Nicky… and Red…

Alex: Duh! Why do you think I'm here?

Red: *walks in*

Nicky: *tries to seductively pat the bed* I have an owie on my lip. Will you kiss it and make it better?

Red: Oh Nicky, not tonight honey. I have a headache.

Alex: Strike 2!

* * *

 **Attempt to Win Back**

Nicky: Hey Ariel?

Red: *doesn't look up*

Nicky: Ariel? *taps her on the shoulder*

Red: Nicky what are you talking about?

Nicky: I'm sorry I thought that was your name cause we mermaid for each other.

Red: *rolls eyes* That the best you got?

Nicky: *seriously* Hang on *brushes thumb near Red's eyelash* I think you have something in your eye *tilts face up and rises up on her toes* Oh wait. It's just a sparkle. *kisses her on the cheek*

Gloria: Laying it on a bit thick today aren't you?

Nicky: Only the best for the love of my life.

Red: Nicky go away. We talked about this.

Nicky: *looking toward the window* Hey Gloria, is there a rainbow out today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for! *wraps arms around Red's waist*

Red: *extracts herself from Nicky's grasp* I have work to do.

Nicky: Work? Aren't you a camera? Because every time I look at you I smile.

Red: *turns and grabs Nicky's hands, squeezing them affectionately* Honey. You have to stop. I told you, it's over.

Nicky: *huffs* This is not over… *leaves mopey and defeated*

Gloria: Cut that girl a break.

Red: Why? She never gives me a break?

Gloria: And who's fault is that? If you didn't indulge her so often you wouldn't be in this mess.

Red: *rolls eyes* I will not be defeated.

Gloria: You know what you're problem is?

Red: I don't-

Gloria: No. I'll tell you what your problem is. You're too competitive.

Red: *scoff* No such thing.

Gloria: Do us all a favor and give the girl a win.

Red: You're no fun. I thought you'd enjoy making someone's life hell.

Gloria: I do *smiles* yours.

* * *

 **Before Bed in Red's Cube**

Red: I just had to come and talk to you.

Nicky: *smiles weakly* What's up?

Red: Nothing, just… sweetness is my weakness.

Nicky: *laughs gently*

Red: I'm not a hoarder, but I really wanna keep you forever.

Nicky: *sighs and rolls eyes* I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

Red: If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me?

Nicky: So you'll go back out with me then?

Red: You've always got a friend-with benefits-in me. *winks* I need your help with something though.

Nicky: With what?

Red: I got myself into a *looks down at hands and fidgets* situation. Will you help me?

Nicky: *looks serious* Of course. Who's ass do I need to kick?

Red: No, it's nothing like that.

Nicky: Then what?

Red: I need you to fuck me.

Nicky: *wide-eyed* What?!

Red: You heard me.

Nicky: I don't even know where to start. What the fuck are you talking about Red?

Red: Well, Gloria and I decided to have a fuck off.

Nicky: A what now?

Red: You know like you and Boo.

Nicky: A bang off?

Red: Yes! Exactly! How many points do you think you'd be?

Nicky: You keep answering my questions, but nothing out of your mouth is making any sense.

Red: If that's a line it's not a very good one.

Nicky: Oh, if we're talking about lines we are _way_ past crossing them.

Red: Nicky. Will you help me?

Nicky: No. I am not indulging in your crazy. I want no part of it.

Red: Nicky! But you're so good at it.

Nicky: Absolutely not.

Red: Don't let her beat me.

Nicky: Go find someone else. I refuse to be your sex kitten.

Piper: *walks in on that line* Red! Can you please get them to switch me and Nicky? I don't want to keep walking in on this stuff.

Nicky: There is no walking in on anything. Your roommate is a lunatic.

Red: Please Nicky.

Nicky: No. Besides, Gloria would never buy it.

Piper: Buy what?

Red: I could give you a hickey?

Piper: Never mind.

Nicky: Absolutely not.

Red: You could give me a hicky.

Nicky: That's not any better. Find someone else. Here, sleep with Piper; you guys share a cube. That's more believable.

Piper: Hey don't drag me into this.

Red: That's not believable.

Piper: What do you mean it's not believable?

Nicky: But sleeping with me is?

Red: She's not my type. *crosses arms*

Nicky: You do remember that you're not actually sleeping with anyone right?

Red: Still… I have a reputation to uphold.

Piper: I don't know if I should be insulted or relieved.

Nicky: Believe me, you want no part of her crazy.

Red: I may be crazy, but it's only because I'm crazy for you.

Nicky: Goodnight to you both.

* * *

 **Later in Nicky's Cube**

Red: *leaning against the entrance smiling gently* Hey beautiful. Do you have a name or can I call you mine?

Nicky: *smiles and shakes head* What can I do for you?

Red: *walks over and sits on her bed* I've just had a bad day, and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. *looks up at Nicky* Smile for me?

Nicky: *tries not to grin* Roses are red, my face is too, that only happens when I'm around you.

Red: *chucks her under the chin* Of all your beautiful curves your smile is my favorite.

Nicky: I'm afraid of the dark. Will you sleep with me tonight? *moves over and pats spot next to her*

Red: You know what you'd look really beautiful in? *gets comfortable*

Nicky: *raises eyebrows in question*

Red: My arms. *pulls Nicky into her and cuddles her close*

Nicky: I should call you Google, *hugs Red* because you have everything I'm looking for.

Red: *kisses her forehead* Roses are red, violets are blue, I didn't know what perfect was until I met you.

Nicky: I value my breath, so it would be nice if you didn't keep taking it away.

Red: *pulls back to look at her* Was your father a thief?

Nicky: *shakes head no*

Red: 'cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them all in your eyes.

Nicky: Your eyes are as blue as the ocean, and baby I'm lost at sea.

Red: *chuckles and relaxes pulling Nicky a little closer* Good night honey. *kisses the top of her head and closes her eyes*

Nicky: Goodnight Ma.

Red: *after a few moments* What if we just told her tha-

Nicky: Good _night_ Ma!

Red: *laughs sleepily* Goodnight baby.

* * *

 **Read, Review, Subscribe, Add to Favs**

(J) I just wanted the last word.

(A) However, when you let your partner do all the posting you don't get to ;) Let us know what you guys think!


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